Y Friday, September 22, 2006Y
3:15 PM
im feeling rather down since yesterday ... guess now , facts are beau and me have gone into separation for the time being ... let jus time explain everything ... *tearing* ... im drained of all strength ... emotionally and mentally tired ... it seems that the ship of love has sinked ... aint no way of seeing it sailing as what it used to ... it ended yesterday ... when both of us made the decision to separate ... giving us all the time and space to sort our thoughts ... *time will explain everything and heal the wound* ... this was his last msg to me " I will jus lead my simple life as per normal . U take care of urself baby , don overstress with work as im not always there for u at work and home . I still do luv and miss u . " *tearing again* ...
dissappointment is felt ... its sad to know , that a r'ship of 3 years plus has to end this way ... *speechless* ... am hoping that , all this time he has will be an eye-opener for him ... considering all the sacrifices i have done , effort & initative i have put into the r'ship ... am thinking , maybe i failed to be the best that i can for his happiness ... but yet again , this r'ship needs both of us ... hence the reason why i cant take this much longer ... watching maself sacrificing ma feelings , emotions , happiness for the one who choose not to appreciate it ...
am not saying he's bad and he doesnt , but its jus not enuf for the r'ship to work ... expectations on ma are more , but vice-versa am not supposed to ... this aint fair at all ... it has to be equal ... i have supressed ma feeling for far too long now ... so here im letting it all out ...
" B , im feeling the lost as much as u do .. but there's nothing more i can do to save whats already sunk ... i hope this separation will give u a chance to search ur inner self ... if there's a chance for us to be together like we use to be , we have to make sure that , us both are a changed person ... changed meaning not being another person , but a better individual for the sake of our happiness ... for now , im emotionally & mentally tired ... this is the limit i have reached to sacrifice all for ur happiness , whereas inside im not happy at all ... i have lost my happiness for far too long ... so im in search for my happiness now ... what the future holds for us , i shall leave in the hands of ALLAH ... if we're fated for each other , insyaallah we can start planning for a future together ... but if not , im praying that ALLAH will keep me strong to move on with life . without u by my side ... this goes the same for u ... changed urself for the best of ur future ... once again insyaallah there's a blessing to what has happen ... till then , u will still have a special place in my heart ... cant deny that i miss u badly , but am facing it with strength and faith ... Till fate brings us together , or we shall go on with our lives without each other ... *tearing* .... "
~Ya allah , berilah ku kekuatan diri ... tenangkan lah hatiku ... sesungguhnya ku pasrah dan ku serahkan segalanya padamu ... senadainya apa yang terjadi adalah terbaik untuk ku dan dia , berkatilah hidup kami pada masa depan ... insyaallah ... *tearing badly...*~
~Mungkin ALLAH mahukan aku mulakan satu kehidupan yang lebik baik dari sekarang ... Seharusnya aku harus menerima Qada' dan Qadar ini ... ~
~seandainya jodoh antara aku dan dia , aku terima ... seandainya tiada , ku pasrah dan redha~
Y Tuesday, September 19, 2006Y
6:20 PM
.... this are some song lyrics from the song BURN by usher ... this relates to what im facing rite now at this very moment ... am going to give maself all the time to sort our ma thoughts and make ma decisions ... as im seeking only for ma happiness now and in the future ... *sad , dissappointed , frustrated but yet smiling hard*" I don't understand why
he's burning me to hold onto this
I know this is something I gotta do
But that don't mean I want to
What I'm trying to say is that I-love-him
But I just I feel like this is coming to an end
And it's better for me to let it go now than hold on and hurt you/me
Its gonna burn for me to say this
But it's comin from my heart
Its been a long time comin but we done been fell apart
I really wanna work this out But I don't think you're gonna change-e
I do but you don't
Think it's best we go our separate ways
Tell me why I should stay in this relationship
When I'm hurtin' baby, I ain't happy baby
Cuz there's so many other things I gotta deal with
I think that we should let it burn
When the feeling ain't the same and your body
Don't want to but you know
Gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn
Deep down you know its best for ourselves but you
Hate the thought of us being with someone else
But you know that it's over
We know that its through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn
I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry "
Y Monday, September 18, 2006Y
2:35 PM
Dimanakah hilang cahaya kasihPergi bersama kemesraan
Dan keriangan
Di dalam perhubungan
Kau dan aku kini
Aku lelah mencari segala kesimpulan
Aku lelah memberi peluang
Hanya untuk kau yang tidak pernah
Menginginkan perubahan diri
Tidak aku mengatakan bahawa
Diri ini sempurna
Tidak juga aku mengatakan
Kau yang tidak baik
Cuma aku inginkan perubahan
Dalam setiap tingkah lakumu
Jika ini berterusan
Dalam terpaksaan aku mengatakan
Perhubungan ini tidak
Akan membuahkan kebahagian
Jika memang sudah tiada jodoh
Di antara kau dan aku
Aku hanya mampu berdoa
Semoga kau dan aku dipertemukan
Dengan jodoh yang lebih baik
Pada masa depan kelak
Y Thursday, September 14, 2006Y
11:20 AM
... read his blog yesterday nite , when i reached home from work ... the entry really touched me ... indirectly i know i did lead him on ... so partly now , its because of me , he's heartbroken ... if only there was an opprtunity b/n me and him ... now im wishing upon a chance to meet him ... *sigh*what can i do now ? asked someone if there should / could be an opportunity for me to meet up with him ??? he said " my advice is dont , as emotions are involved now ... its difficult to keep checked on ur actions , when emotions are involved coz it tends to go overboard ... " ... so what now ... mistakes are bound to happen if that is .... *frustrations felt*
really missing him somehow here ... his laughter , words , craps , and sweetness ... he sure know how to make me feel special ... and appreciated ... but now i know it aint possible ... i cant possibly have the best of both worlds ( beau & him ) .... *slaps cheeks hard*
guess these lyrics , i will be singing to maself ... " Bila yang tertulis untukku , Ada yang terbaik untukmu , Kan kujadikan kau kenangan Yang terindah dalam hidupku ... Namun tak kan mudah bagiku Meninggalkan jejak hidupmu , Yang telah terukir abadi , Sebagai kenangan yang terindah ... " he is one sweet memory of ma life ...
*super duper sigh* ... gonna hault now ... i will come back ... *When the blue sky has turned grey , the earth is now wet* ..... *sad yet smiling* ......
Y Wednesday, September 13, 2006Y
6:35 PM
.... last nite was the first msg i gave him after some time of silence ... msg was " wont want to lose him , but i cant bring myself to fall in love with him "... he replied within secs ... and replied " hmmm ..." questinoned him back , " interesting huh .... look into the msg as it has a deep meaning behind it " .. again he replied " what am i trying to saydirectly ?? " ... being straightforward , i replied " wont want to lose u , but again i cant bring myself to have feelings for him ... " in the end he replied saying that he love the gd news but not the bad one ... so what choice am i left with now ... i couldnt possibly turned the liking i have for him into LOVE ... im still standing in ma grounds ... getting the facts rite ... aint supposed to change the reality ... hits me hard on the brain *like duh* ...
after all the silence and some things that happened b/n me & him , am sure i miss talking to him ... listening to all his craps ... even though sometimes he do irritate me in a way , but still that doesnt stop me to like him .... the character that he has , sort of win me over ... i aint tryin to create a diff b/n him and beau ... beau will always be beau , he still do have a special place in ma heart ... but i cant possibly contradict the situation im facing rite now , wit him .... at times , when i sit down , thinking about it , makes me tell maself that what im attracted to = is jus a game of love in which im being tested .... but u know emotions come uninvited ... am i wrong to like him in a way ???
flashbacks to what this someone told me , " control ur emotions , hold on to the objective ... " this being , me and him are jus frens , keep it to office hours , 5 days a week ... once off office hours , ure what u r in reality , which im attached ... *should ring the bell* ... so now , im putting maself in a spot ... and im stucked , i aint know hell how to get out from it ... *YA ALLAH , give me the courage and keep my faith strong* ...
this afternoon , we did msg each other ... and its got worse ... i mean , directly he was telling me that he has begun to accept the fact , and did ask me to be happy wit my loved one ... this itchy fingers replied to that " even though im happy with my loved one , u will still be in ma thoughts " ... yet again i replied " keep it close to ur heart and always to ur thoughts , as i shall never be out of ur life , as this is what we have started with , and shall not come to an end ... " ... *told ma best bud .. she told me that i was bad ... but its done* ... so till now , there's silence b/n us yet again ... must be he's lost for words *speechless* ... what have i done *slaps cheeks hard* ... *frustrated yet smiling* .... now im missing his msgs ....
btw someone sang to me this song " diriku pun sudah berpunya kekasih hati , tak mungkin tukar ganti ... walaupun kau datang dalam khayalan ... carilah pengganti agar kau gembira lagi ... " ... hate this song ... i still don want to lose him but yet again , reminding maself that i cant bring maself to fall in love with him ... *arrggghhhhh* ...
am now putting this to a hault ... will update once thoughts cleared ... *again frustrations are being felt* ...........
Y Tuesday, September 12, 2006Y
12:02 PM
... *all smilez* ... am so happy ... kuzzie have transfered all the pics *kenduri at ma place last 2 sats* ... now they are all with me ... and now i shall post the best pics on that day .... here it goes ...
.:][:. posing on my bed ... *we love this pic the best* .:][:.
.:][:. trying to squeeze *poor umi half of her face is gone , lol* .:][:.
.:][:. they are all my sisters ... *love them all* .:][:.
.:][:. how do u find this pic? *my sisters's idea* .:][:.
.:][:. me & ma mischievious sister .:][:.
.:][:. dont they look alike ? *my sis & umi* .:][:.
.:][:. ladies.inc .:][:.
.:][:. a pic with one of our lil cutie kuzzie (khai) .:][:.
... *am all smilez now* ... adious ..... muuuuuaaaacccckkkkkssss ......
Y Monday, September 11, 2006Y
11:50 AM
... been doing some thinking past few days ... regards to ma life & future ... aint sure where should i focused on more ... life as it is now , or future in which i aint know whats in store ... ma r'ship had been the same ... didnt meet up with beau for the whole of last week ... jus msgs and calls ... i have been busy with work lately ... once home , totally shacked ... maybe its a good thingy not seeing each other , as indirectly its giving me the space i needed ... *speechless , brains jammed* now i aint know what more can i say ... seriously im supposed to talk about someone here , but aint sure where to start ... *biting lips* ... gooosshhh what shall i spill here ... feelings or guilt ... gotta opt for either one here ...
*sigh* ... i think i need to hault here ... once im ready and sure which to spill , i'll update ...
Y Friday, September 08, 2006Y
5:15 AM
here is a song lyrics from Akma ... title of the song is "Percaya pada Cinta" ... i have been singing along since morning .... *smilez* ... so i wanna share this lyrics with everyone ... go on and read the lyrics , it will definitely hit u ... *gigles , it kinda hit me ... lols* ... laalalalala ... "... ada cinta di dalam hati .. ku biarkan cinta ini hadir , datang lah segera kepadaku ...."@_Percaya Pada Cinta_@
Sejak pertemuan itu ku rasa hadir sesuatu
Bagai pelik rasa di hati
Berdegup hatiku ini..
Mungkinkah ini rasa kawan atau sebaliknya
Tapi kian merasa ada cinta di dalam hati
Ku biarkan cinta ini hadir
Datanglah segera kepadaku
Kerna kau ada sesuatu membuatku
Cinta kepadamu
Ku tahu dikau pun merasakan
Katakanlah kata kepadaku
Jangan biar cinta pergi
Percayalah ini sudah suratan Maha Esa
Hadirmu di sisiku ini
Merubah segala-galanya
Gembira bila bersamamu kini bila kau tiada
Y Thursday, September 07, 2006Y
5:20 PM
.:][:. after one tired day .:][:.
.:][:. me & toots @ Baladi LeBanese Cuisine .:][:.
~ this is my fav pic of me and best bud ... guess must be the background that makes it Picture Perfect ...... *smilez* ~
.:][:. "charlie's angels" on her happiest day .:][:.
~ we r still holding on strong as FRENS/SISTAS even after sec sch days ... our wish are no matter what our future hold for us , the bond shall never breaks ... ~
.:][:. again "charlie's angels" on toots happiest day .:][:.
~ we r still holding on strong as FRENS/SISTAS even after sec sch days ... our wish are no matter what our future hold for us , the bond shall never breaks ... ~
.:][:. am lost in wonderland .:][:.
~ i love to do this pose ... *lols* im jus full of nonsense ... hehe .:][:.
Y Tuesday, September 05, 2006Y
10:50 AM
*smilez* ... here to update on a great weekend i had with fellow kuzzens and family ... last sat ( sept 2nd ) , had kenduri arwah over at my place ... as usual , i was woken up early in the morning by Mum to help wit the cooking ... *simply enjoys cooking* ... then my aunt came over around 10 plus ... so there the 3 of us ( me , mum and aunt ) in the kitchen ... it was around 4 , when all the dishes were finally done ...*tiring but satisfied though* ...my aunts , uncles , kuzzens started to come over ... been ages since we had this gathering ... usual lovalble kuzzens were all present ... *smilez* ...
as we waited for thee prayers to recite , us ladies were happily taking photos in ma room ... posing here and there ... it was fun and awesome ... *giggles* ... i've got 2 here , the rest have yet to be uploaded ... *umi , u better upload the pics soon* ...
*me_umi_seha_sha(sister)*
*me_adik ina*
once all pics are uploaded , will post it here ... hehe ... not all but the best ones *lols* ... guess i will hault here as always ... adious ... muaaccccccckkkkkkkkkkksssssssssss